On Femme Invisibility on the way to the bus station

Yesterday while in Ypsi I was walking down the street to the bus station. I was sharing the sidewalk with two men in their mid-forties who were chatting with each other the way old friends do. As I was about to pass them they stopped and one of the men said, "Damn girl, you sure do know how to walk down the street".

Now, that is a true statement. I had my heels on and was walking with quite a little swank I must say. I was feeling good, thinking about my maybe pregnancy and getting pumped up for QZ that night. I mean, damn, I did look good and I was walking down that street with some style.

But it means something different to me to have a man (who was clearly checking me out) say it, than to know it myself or have someone in my community say it. So I laughed because I knew he didn't mean any harm and because laughing seemed easier than stopping to explain I was offended by the comment because I'm not straight. I'm femme.

Femme invisibility friends. It makes my heart hurt.

Slippery Sperm

Last night we did our second insemination. We picked up our "baby food jar" from our third party and headed home to get me knocked up. We were excited and relaxed because basically J and I are now old pro's at this whole "suck sperm up with a needless syringe and put it in my vagina" adventure. J started the insemination, and here's what happened friends.

The sperm started streaming out of me. Literally. It was like my body was saying, "um, no thanks. Not today." Luckily J is an exceptionally fast thinking person in times like these and immediately began re-sucking up the sperm that tried to get away. I mean really, we have to laugh about this. It was fucking hysterical (no pun intended).

But I don't feel sad about the slippery sperm incident, mostly because of the feeling I had inside me after insemination #1. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed and hopes high that someone sweet is growing inside me. And if not, there's always next month.

Insemination #1

Let me start by saying that I have never paid so much attention to the mucus coming out of my cervix as I have in the past several months. Last month I felt like I had a really good sense of what my mucus was telling me and when I should inseminate -- I felt super prepared for this month. And then this month came and when it got closer and closer to J and I inseminating I found myself getting a little scared and unsure about the timing. I feel like most of my life I have been taught not to trust myself . . . it's hard to undo all of that self-doubt.

But luckily I have fantastic community in my life. My best friend, who's queer, is going to give birth in two weeks. I called her up and had a "mucus brainstorm" session and with her help (and her reminder to trust my instinct that Thursday was the day to inseminate) I made the decision.

So on to the logistics. I texted my donor: "The eggle has landed". He texted back and we made some plans for a semen exchange. J and I were in the kitchen cleaning and making filling for dumplings when we heard the knock on our door. The third party who was transporting the sperm wished us luck and handed over a baby food jar (provided by me and J) with our donor's sperm.

I guess I don't know how to explain how exciting and absolutely hilarious and scary this was all at once. J and I re-read the insemination section of our book "The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy and Birth" (which is a really excellent book that is trans-inclusive) and got cozy on the couch. We then took the lid off the jar and I immediately felt like a goofy, giggly girl. Why? Because I forgot that semen has a funny smell (no offense to all the semen producing people). I had sex with a boy once when I was 17 and remember not liking the smell of semen, but I must pushed it out of my mind. Anyway, after my giggles subsided we were ready to begin.

I tilted my hips up and using our needless syringe, J sucked up all the semen from the jar and put it in me. This is the beginning of something new friends. J held one of my hands, and I kept my other hand on my lower belly. It was almost immediate, the sensation I felt. I don't know if it was excitement or if it's just what sperm feels like in a person's body, but this is what I felt inside of me:

Movement. Warmth. Hope.

I stayed on the couch for nearly two hours, having a slight moment of panic when I felt like some of the sperm was sliding out of me, but mostly just relaxing and feeling excited, picturing a baby growing inside of me. And I woke up this morning with my body feeling more alive and really different than I have ever felt before. So keep your fingers crossed friends, and keep sending your sweet fertility thoughts my way. Thanks for all your love and support!

The Revolution Starts Today

Well technically the revolution started last night when my love and I completed our first insemination with fresh sperm. That's right friends, this morning as I write this there's 5cc's of sperm swimming inside me that will hopefully result in a strong, healthy pregnancy. This blog is for me to start writing about this process of becoming a queer femme mom, and to connect with other people who can feel me on this. I have a lot of fear inside me about being read as straight through this process, about femme invisibility and what that does to my spirit. This blog is also to keep in touch with my friends, my chosen family, so the people I hold close in my heart can know what the process of trying to get pregnant (and hopefully being pregnant) is like for me.

And I say revolution because adding to our queer and gender queer family in such a homophobic/transphobic society feels revolutionary. Refusing to allow other people to have a say in who my family is feels revolutionary. Creating a family out of this sweet, sweet love J and I have feels like a revolutionary act. And so, the revolution starts today.