Not This Month Friends

So I'm not pregnant which, for me, is really sad. This is a hard process, more so than I thought it would be. In my head I always imagined that once J and I found a donor and figured out the legal stuff and finally started inseminating that I would get pregnant immediately.

But I didn't, and I feel sad.

It is hard to sit with this sadness, to feel it in my body today. But there is something beautiful about this process, too -- to be so present with my body and my emotions. And not being pregnant calls up a lot of ghost for me, mainly self-doubt, because I really thought I was pregnant. My body was engaged with this process from the beginning, and I had felt like it was changing. It's hard for me to untangle what was in my mind from what was actually happening to my body . . . perhaps a little of both was going on.

But even though I'm so sad today, I am hopeful about the weeks to come and excited for this process to begin again.